Confusion and distraction have been pulling me down lately. I’ve not been able to post any ‘Jesus Talk’ on here for a while. Acting like a Christian role model while I know my reality is far from that just wasn’t appealing to me. Vanessa Caxeiro inspired me to be more transparent and not fake it on the internet so here I go.
When I started, my goal was never to be a Christian role model, not at all. I wanted to share my struggles and let the times I fall short motivate others, let them know they aren’t alone. My raw intention was to help others while I was figuring it out myself (plus a blog is a pretty cool diary).
After not so long, I had already lost sight of my plan and started putting pressure on myself to act like a Christian should (this song says it all).
I started putting really high expectations on myself. For no reason. I would write a post and never publish it because I would feel like I wasn’t preaching enough. I feel like other Christians rarely share their struggles, which also puts pressure on me because we have to be super saved out here.
This ended up pulling me away from God. I started feeling unworthy. I know all I have to do is run to him. He’s never failed me until now so why not run to him? Maybe I don’t want help. Maybe I’m back in that phase where all I wanted was to do me. I keep saying ‘I need to get right with the Lord’ but how can I get right with the Lord, without the Lord?
I need to figure all this out and I kn0w prayer and the Word are the answer but then I have to open my Bible, bruh. I have to honestly say that Bible reading is not always something I look forward to. Praying seems like a chore when I’m sleepy. That’s where the issue is. I have to decide to do these things. I have to desire God the way I did in the beginning. It’s like a relationship, after a while you get used to each other and that passion isn’t there anymore. Communication is key so I have to seek da Lawd! This blog post has turned into a self-help session. I guess I should add that to my list of intentions.
Tell me if you can relate.